The Rapist

I went to a new doctor today.

Didn't know she was a therapist.

ther-a-pist.

the-rapist.

I never thought I'd be seeing someone with the word "rape" in their title. It's rather scarey, no?

So, back to this appointment.

After my last loss, my OBGYN referred me to another doctor for a visit.

I thought she/he would be wanting to see me for physical reasons. To chat about what happened, gather info, and talk to me about why it might have happened and perhaps to fill me in on what may happen next.

That's just what I assumed.

I never thought in a million years I would hear at the end of my appointment, "well, you don't need medication, but I'd like you to come back next week to chat further".

Fuck.

When I got in there, she met me in the lobby and then walked me to her office. Upon entering, I did not see the bed thing with stirrups. I saw a couch, two nice chairs, her desk, clocks everywhere, and a lovely arrangement of lillies.

That's when I knew this wasn't a physical.

But hey, I'll take all the healing I can get. So I sat down in one of the nice chairs.

And the tears started.

I have, really, nobody to talk to about the loss. My best friend is pregnant too. We ended up pregnant at the same time. There's NO WAY I'm talking to her about losing the baby. Come on.

My mother? 4000 miles away. And when I DID try to talk to her, just after it happened, she harped on me to go back to work right away.

The Husband?

Doesn't talk about it.

So I have all these emotions, apparently, bottled up inside and so she asked me one simple question (who my family doctor is) and I started bawling.

Quite funny actually, but uncomfortable all the same.

It didn't help. I left more shattered than I've felt in a long time. I was gloomy for the rest of the day. Went to a dentist appointment afterwards and was still teary-eyed.

Went for a hair appointment after that and ended up crying while being rinsed.

Went to the fucking inlaws' for supper and wanted to scream bloody murder at them...but they don't understand english so I wouldn't quite get the effect I was after. (I just realized, as I was searching my blog to link to the "fucking inlaws" that I didn't tell you what happened when we announced the pregnancy to them. That, my friends, is worth the "fucking" before the "inlaws". Perhaps another day...)

So here I am.

Having a glass of rum and not knowing what to do with myself.

Urs.