Where to start?

The baby has died and I'm sitting here waiting for the bleeding to start. Waiting for my body to do it's job. And it's not happening.

The doctor tells me I have another 7 - 10 days (well, 6 days left) and if nothing happens, no cramping or bleeding, I'll have to have a D&C. I would prefer that it happens naturally, but if it doesn't then I'll go for the procedure. I went for accupuncture yesterday to see if that would help. So far, nothing. I had cramping last night, more severe than I have been having (a bit now and then), but thismorning? Nothing. Only light, very light, bleeding. And more brown than red.

So I wait.

And I grieve.

I try to grieve.

It's just surreal, knowing that our baby died and is still inside of me.

I was at 14 weeks, 3 days. It should have been the size of 1/2 a banana. It was only at 3.8 centimetres. It measured 10 weeks 3 days.

So, A) it died the day after I heard it's heartbeat, or B) it died around 12 or 13 weeks and had already broken down to that size.

Unbelievable. Utterley unbelievable. I'm numb. Perhaps that's why I'm having a difficult time with the grieving process. That and the fact that nothing is happening yet. It's hard to grieve when you do not have any proof that there is a need to grieve. Other than a picture of an ultrasound. It's hard to explain, but I could tell by the picture that there was no life there.

So I broke down at the clinic. Talked to the doctor on duty about what may happen next (it's all a blur so I went to a doctor the next day), came home and put away the gifts, cards, and books. (We had begun to choose names.)

And here I sit.

Waiting.

Urs.