I miss you. I miss you so much, my little one.

My little boy.

I miss waking up each morning absolutely delighted that it's another day and that you're growing in leaps and bounds. I miss the feeling of having you with me. I miss the feelings of awe and wonderment and joy of knowing that you're another day older. Another day closer to coming into this world, another day closer to meeting you, to seeing you for the first time. My child.

My little boy.

Do you know that you recognized my voice? That you recognized your father's voice?

I remember when it happened. I was in a meeting and your father was talking. And at that exact moment, I knew that you recognized him.

As your father.

You responded to the sound of his voice.

I cried a little right then and there, knowing that.

Do you know that you already had fingerprints? You already had an identity. No matter where you were in the world, you'd be known. You'd be recognized. You had fingerprints. You could be found. And taken care of.

And loved.

Do you know that when I pressed into my belly you would snuggle up to that same area? You responded to me.

Your mother.

You loved me already. As I did you.

Every morning I would tune to you. I would send you millions of tendrils of love. There was an energetic beam, millions of energetic beams that I would send you. Beams of unconditional love, of love and protection. And you know what? Each and every time I did that, each and every time I made that heart connection with you, you would respond. You would move.

And I could feel those movements. And you were my child. And you would respond to that love I was sending you and you would love me back in the only way you could and such a young age.

Pre-birth.

And I carry you with me. You're always with me.

And I so miss you.

I miss having you in my womb. And taking care of you the best I could. Eating the right foods. Taking it easy - I was carrying special, and fragile, cargo! Loving you. Talking to you. Caring for you.

Loving you.

Did you feel pain when your little heart was stopping? Did you know you were dying? Did you struggle? Did you hurt? Were you scared? Was it frightening?

I wish I had known. I wish I could have stopped it. I wish so many things. I wish that my body had cooperated with my heart. I wish that I had a signal of what was happening so I could do something. I wish I could have stopped it. I wish that you were still with me. Still growing inside of me. You magical little boy.

There is not a moment that goes by that you're not with me. Sometimes I still put my hand on my belly to feel close to you. I do miss you so.

Things are not the same without you. A piece of me went with you. Nobody can tell.

Except me.

I'm not the same.

I lost you.

My little boy. My love. My precious little one.

Will you come back? Or will you be watching over me?

I know you are safe now. I know you will not know struggle. You will not ever again know heartbreak. Your little heart will forever beat now, safely.

I love you so much. I miss you terribly. It was an honour to have you with me, inside of me, even for such a short time. Thank you for choosing me as your mother.

A part of me feels as though I failed you... I'm so incredibly sorry. I did try. I tried so much to make sure you were safe.

My body failed me.

My body failed you.

Know that you were loved. Know that you still are loved. Know that you were my child. You were my baby. You had a family that was so happy to have you coming to us.

Every single moment is cherished, is etched in my memory, in my consciousness, in my body.

Urs.

Sporunking the Forinkers

We had a bbq last night to welcome by little brother back to town after being at sea for 4 months. He has decided to stay in the city and settle down, not to return to sea. Must be really happening as he moved his girlfriend up from Chile. He’s getting serious, I do believe, and wanting to put down roots. Good for him. And she’s fantastic. And Spanish. And there is a bit of a language barrier as she has a very thick Spanish accent and is still learning words. Words such as pendulum. Sponsoring. Sprinkler. And the list goes on. It’s very funny and she has a good time with it as well.

Sporunking the Forinkers. That is what I heard come out of her mouth when talking about employment opportunities for her. I had mentioned a bartending job that I had heard of.

“But does he sporunk forinkers?”

I'm sorry, what was that?

“Does he sporunk forinkers?”

Sporunk Forinkers?

“What did you say, Ursula?”

Sporunk Forinkers?

Amid much laughter on everyone's part... "NO. Sponsor Foreigners."

Oh. Sorry. Ooops.

So this is her introduction to the family. Me not understanding what she’s saying.

And then taking her toilet-papering.

Yes, we went toilet-papering. A guy I sometimes work with lives a few blocks from me and it was his 40th, so off we went with a 24-pack of Purelle at midnight.

Good times in the summer.

Urs.

Disaster.

I'm horrified. I'm terrified.

Had a D&C a week ago today. Called my OBGYN the next day and made an appointment for September, as she asked me to before going under.

Got home today to a voicemail saying it's the doctors office and they have an appointment for me.

WHAT?

But I already have an appointment. Why do they want to see me again? What the hell is going on? Do they have horrific news for me? Did something happen during the D&C to make them call me, now that my doctor is back from vacation, and make them want to see me right away? Did they find something out of the ordinary during the procedure that they have to inform me of earlier than my September appointment? Did they find cancer or something? Did something go horribly wrong while I was on the operating table?

Or was it just a blooper on the receptionists part and she forgot that we've already booked an appointment?

What the fuck is going on?

I'm completely freaking out here. I don't know what the fuck is going on. They were sending it for genetic testing because it was over 10 weeks. I was told the results wouldn't be back for three months or so. I put it out to the universe that the results would come back WAY sooner.... is it possible that it actually happened? That the results came back in less than a week?

Or did they find something horribly wrong. Is something deadly happening?

What the fuck?

Urs.