Where Am I?

Seriously.

Where am I?

Where's the me that used to be? The fantastic lass. The life of the party. The gorgeous woman. The kind lady. The courteous and consciencious person. The No Fear gal. The Bring It On! The calm and centered. The one who had the ability to focus, to assess, to hold.

The impeccable warrior.

Where did she go?

Because now, she seems like a messy puddle on the floor. Of worry. Of grief. Of anger and angst. Of confrontation. Afraid of confrontation. Afraid to stand up for herself; instead, standing to the side, watching herself be bullied and bitten and kicked and stepped on. Of taking shit, instead of standing up for those who are given shit. Such as I'm being given shit lately.

What the fuck happened?

Yes, the Hateful Bitch reared her ugly head.

After two years of wondering when her real colours would show, they showed.

And now I'm afraid to rock the boat, when that's what I LIVED for! I loved pushing the envelope. Not in a harmful way, but a gentle way (ie: Castenada). In the way that would bring out the best in people. Would make them see that they're bigger and more beautiful and bolder than they ever thought possible.

Now?

I'm too fucked up to give a care.

I just think that a switch went off. A light was dimmed.

My light was dimmed.

And I don't know when it happened.

Was it when I got married? Was it when I lost the first baby? Or was it the second? Or was it just recently? Did I give up? What the fuck is going on?

I miss me. I miss the old me. I miss the me that would still hold my head high, hold on to my impeccability, even when people are trying to drag me back into their shit. The shit. I feel like I finally got out of the vat of shit and could see clearly and could continue with clarity.

Now?

Not so much.

But there's always controlled folly.

Urs.