Hiding in my skin

There’s a job opening at a local association that has my name ALL OVER IT. It’s in the film industry, a non-profit organization, full time management position, organizing film-related events and liaising with all aspects of the industry, reporting to a board of directors, network network network. Yada yada yada.

I know the lady that used to do it. I know the hurdles she faced. I know the progress she made.

I know the players.

I know the job.

Yet I’m hesitant to approach them. I can do the job blindfolded, that’s a non-issue. It’s just that it’s a highly visible position. I mean I’d be OUT there. Every move I made, every decision I came to, my every word to the media… it's so visible.

Every mistake I made, would be out there for all to judge.

It’s terrifying.

So here I sit. Reading over the job posting. Knowing that I can totally do it. Yet terrified to take that step.

Why would I rather stay at my current job, which is getting stickier and stickier every day?

Great pay. Great vacation. Great flexibility (or USED to). Fun place, overall. Great people, generally.

But it’s time to move on. And not just because of Hateful Bitch, but because I’ve done what I came to do. I’ve reached the place I wanted to reach here. I’ve reached the goals I had in mind for myself when I took this position.

I’ve maxed out my salary.

And yet it’s bad timing. I’m trying to have a baby. I’ll hopefully be pregnant very very soon, and so will be taking mat leave by next July or so. It would be in bad taste to take a new job and not even be in it for a year before taking leave for a year.

So here I sit.

Reading over the job posting.

Urs.