For Shame

I'm not as excited about this pregnancy as I was the last.

I don't understand it.

We were trying to get pregnant. We got pregnant. I was ecstatic with the very thought of becoming pregnant again!

But when it happened, I was unsure with the outcome. I didn't really believe it. I was too scared to believe it. I told my doctor, when she confirmed it, that I was too nervous to be excited. I wanted to make sure and double make sure. I asked her to double check the results.

To be sure.

I had bloodtests Thursday and another Saturday to check that it's a viable pregnancy. That the hcg numbers are rising.

Perhaps then I'll be excited and happy? When I know that I'm not miscarrying like last time?

I feel shame around it. Shame around my attitude about it. Shame that I'm not wanting to scream it from a mountain top, like last time. Shame that I'm afraid to talk to it in case it's not there anymore, you know?

I've always jumped in with both feet. That's how I tackle life, just giving it my all. No matter if it's a job, a relationship, whatever. I totally jump in with everything I've got.

Right now it feels like I'm afraid to even get my toes wet.

Urs.