Is it irresponsible to throw caution to the wind?

The Husband and I have decided to let things happen as they may. The bigges thing I've learned since having two failed pregnancies (especially the last one, as it was a baby. It was a little person. Not a mass of cells. A baby.), is that there is nothing in this world you can control, except your own actions.

Everything is much bigger than you. No matter how hard you try, no matter that you do everything right, things are out of your control.

The wonder of life. Absolutly out of your control.

So, we can wait until the test results from the baby come back. We can wait until our bloodtest results come back. We can live in fear that there is something horribly wrong with us. With me.

Or we can totally believe in the wonder of life. We can totally believe in nature. We can ebb and we can flow.

Or we can live in fear.

I'm not one to live in fear.

So we are letting things happen as they may. Naturally. We are not trying out of desperation. We are not trying by watching the calendar, watching my cycle, waiting and watching for the perfect fertility days. We are just being.

My last cycle was wonky becuase, I suppose, of the D&C. It was two days of heavy heavy flow, then nothing for four days, then a bit of spotting. I'm a pretty regular girl. So it was way off.

Yet we had unprotected sex. And it turned out to be during the "perfect fertility days". Was that irresponsible? What if the test results come back that we can never carry a normal, healthy baby? What if there is something so fucked up that we will always miscarry? What if. What if, what if? Was it being irresponsible that we may very well have gotten pregnant, god, I could be pregnant now for crying out loud, and the little one will be horribly deformed and abnormal, becuase we didn't wait for the test results that would have told us exactly this?

I don't want to put that out there, however the fear creeps in. The fear that, what if we ARE pregnant already and it will not be "normal" and I've possibly just started the process of bringing a being into this world that doesn't stand a chance, chromosomally?

What if?

Or what if it is what it is. What if nature is as it is. What if there is absolutely nothing I could ever do to ensure our baby will be born normal, healthy, happy.

So what if?

What if we get pregnant, or we ARE pregnant, and everything is as it should be and we have a normal, healthy, happy baby. See? What if?

We ebb and we flow.

We've decided to Just Be. To trust. To trust that the plans for us are greater than we are.

And that it will be as it will be.

Urs.