Thismorning I woke up with cramps, thought everything was about to start happening, but they've since subsided. What do I have to do to get this going?

I know the answer is nothing. I know the answer is to let my body take control here. It's just so difficult because I'm a "take-control" kind of person. And there is absolutely nothing I can do but wait.

So yesterday I went through all of my books. Set up our new bookshelf. Put others aside for donation. Today? Going through the storage room. Will try to organize that mess. I bought a closet organizer about two months ago, perhaps I'll attempt to put that together.

I've pulled out a recipe book as well. Perhaps I'll prepare a nice meal for my husband.

There's lots of weeding to do in the yard (the grapes are out of control), but it's raining so I don't really want to do that today. Maybe tomorrow. If still nothing has happened.

On another note, kiddy-corner to me are some new people to the neighbourhood. I almost passed out when I saw the lady for the first time on her back porch.

She's a spitting image of my mother-in-law. Otherwise known from here on out as My Husband's Mother. No, she doesn't even deserve a capital letter on that. My Husband's mother with a little m. Better.

Now I'll be faced with THAT everytime I walk onto my deck.

Lovely.

Urs.

Where to start?

The baby has died and I'm sitting here waiting for the bleeding to start. Waiting for my body to do it's job. And it's not happening.

The doctor tells me I have another 7 - 10 days (well, 6 days left) and if nothing happens, no cramping or bleeding, I'll have to have a D&C. I would prefer that it happens naturally, but if it doesn't then I'll go for the procedure. I went for accupuncture yesterday to see if that would help. So far, nothing. I had cramping last night, more severe than I have been having (a bit now and then), but thismorning? Nothing. Only light, very light, bleeding. And more brown than red.

So I wait.

And I grieve.

I try to grieve.

It's just surreal, knowing that our baby died and is still inside of me.

I was at 14 weeks, 3 days. It should have been the size of 1/2 a banana. It was only at 3.8 centimetres. It measured 10 weeks 3 days.

So, A) it died the day after I heard it's heartbeat, or B) it died around 12 or 13 weeks and had already broken down to that size.

Unbelievable. Utterley unbelievable. I'm numb. Perhaps that's why I'm having a difficult time with the grieving process. That and the fact that nothing is happening yet. It's hard to grieve when you do not have any proof that there is a need to grieve. Other than a picture of an ultrasound. It's hard to explain, but I could tell by the picture that there was no life there.

So I broke down at the clinic. Talked to the doctor on duty about what may happen next (it's all a blur so I went to a doctor the next day), came home and put away the gifts, cards, and books. (We had begun to choose names.)

And here I sit.

Waiting.

Urs.

I was at a wedding on Saturday.

It was hilarious.

Talk about tacky wedding guests. Seriously white trash. Hilarious!

I've never seen such big hair. Not Texas big. Not 80's big. Just White-Trash big.

I've never seen such short dresses. Ladies, they're tops, not dresses.

I've never seen such high shoes. And not nice high shoes. Hooker shoes. Seriously, they were all wearing Hooker shoes.

I've never heard such foul language come from women. Tacky tacky tacky. (And I swear. And yet I was appalled at the language!)

And as the night wore on and they got drunker, it was just a disaster. They were tripping over their hooker shoes, their "dresses" were falling down, straps sliding off their shoulders, belts all askew (as were their hair and makeup). Just a freakin' disaster. I wouldn't be suprised to hear that after I left there was a huge cat-fight. That's how disgusting these "ladies" were.

But hilarious none the less.

Urs.

And again today, my eyes are wanting to close. It's only 3'oclock this time. God, I'm exhausted.

Could be the fact that, well, of course I'm pregnant. But also the fact that it's mid-summer and my house is BOILING. Can hardly sleep. It's awful. Wanting to buy a portable air conditioning unit to tie us over while we wait for our screens to arrive.

On another note. I am wearing my first piece of maternity clothing today. It's a gorgeous skirt, bright floral patterned. Yes, "bright floral patterned" sounds like something you'd see an old lady wearing on a Mad TV skit, but trust me, it's gorgeous. And flexible! And stretchy!

I don't really need mat clothes yet, I'm just a bit chunky, but it feels way better than trying to do up my pants when they are just that much too tight. It's just that much too difficult to do up the buttons or zippers. Mat clothes, on the other hand, are delightfully comfortable.

Perhaps that could be reason #3 why my eyes are closing.

I'm too damned comfortable!

Urs.

So maybe I spoke too quickly. I'm sitting here at my desk and I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Seriously, if I could just close them for 20 seconds, I'd be asleep.

Looking forward to getting home.

And having a nap.

Urs.

This must be the week that all the peeing starts.

Because I'm constantly going to the washroom. I'm also hungry all the time. A sandwich doesn't cut it. I need a sandwich and a salad and perhaps some cheese. Then I'm good until suppertime.

My energy has returned, which is GREAT. After work last night, I stopped at the hardware store to get some gardening supplies, got home, had a few slices of cheese and an avacado (the sandwich and cherries I had at lunch were not nearly enough), had an impromptu fashion show for my husband of all the new maternity clothes I bought at lunchtime, and went out and weeded the vegetable garden for two hours. Inside for supper, putted around the house, into bed around 10:30. It felt wonderful to be able to do all that again! To have energy! To come home and do things, not just lay down for a nap!

So the maternity clothes. I don't really need to wear them yet as I'm not huge or anything. But there are only two pairs of pants and 2 skirts that I can fit into comfortably right now. And this hot designer maternity store was having their summer sale ("Up to 80% off selected summer items!"), so I dashed in. I've got to tell you, the clothes are beautiful. And functional. And so incredibly comfortable. I can wear them already without looking like I'm wearing maternity clothes when I don't need to, you know? They'll grow with me. When I didn't believe the sales clerk that some items would fit me as I grow into the rest of the summer and early fall, she stuck the pregnancy pillow inside and wow! It works! Anyhoo, maternity clothes are the best kept secret. And I'm an extra small so there was lots to choose from. Good times. I love shopping.

Next is a bikini. I'm busting out of mine so it's time to buy a new one. Don't know whether I could possibly find a maternity one at this early stage, or if I should just buy a size up. The thing is, I'll be wearing it up to 21 weeks or so, so I'll be much much bigger by then. Hmmm. Perhaps I'll just ask the experts at the store and take it from there.

I love how good I'm feeling and how awake I am these days.

And the baby kicked! It felt like a little poke, but from the inside. It happened when I woke up in a fright the other night when my cat attacked me. Mom says I must have disturbed his/her sleep and it gave me a little kick! Pretty amazing.

Ok, so after all this, I definitly feel like I've had too much sugar and am ranting on and on and on.

I'm just so thrilled to have energy again!

Urs.

Morbidity

Had a dream last night that I was putting on a new dress I bought for a friends wedding (and it’s a gorgeous dress!) and when I was all together, shoes, purse, hair done, everything, my girlfriend looks at me and tells me there is blood on the dress and on my foot.

I look down and yes, there was lots of blood on my foot and a stain of it on my dress.

I was terrified I was miscarrying again. I looked at the bottom of my foot to see if I had been cut but I couldn’t quite tell. There seemed to be a little cut, but it might have been wishful thinking.

So thismorning in the shower, I broke down and started crying.

Last time I was pregnant I had a dream that I was at the house I grew up in and somebody was outside on my walkway with a bucket and I looked in and there was my miscarriage.

And about a week later, I started to miscarry.

I have a great book on dreams. I’m going to dig it out and search for blood and foot. I know dreams are pretty wild when you’re pregnant (at least mine have been), but my dreams always come true. I dream the future.

I’m terrified.

Urs.

The Drive-by

It's happened.

The Drive-By.

The Hand to the Stomach.

I didn't think it would start until I was really showing big time. But no. I just announced it yesterday so people are slowly trickling into my office to say congrats, etc etc etc.

And then she showed up. A gal from payroll. Lovely gal, really quite nice, however I hardly know her. "Congratulations", and the hand comes over to my bump. I tried to push her hand away, but SHE KEPT IT THERE. I couldn't believe it!

Hilarious!

Rude, but hilarious!

Urs.

What not to Wear Watch

Watching Supernanny when you're pregnant with your first is like watching Holmes on Homes when you've just bought a new house.

Ouch.

Urs.