A letter, of sorts.

I haven't had time to process.

To process the year I've had.

The first miscarriage. It was purely physical. It was nothing but blood and cramps.

And then it was over. And I promptly went back to work.

I was just off sick for 5 days. That's all. Just off sick.

(The first pregnancy, however, was another story. That, was pure joy. That, was completely unexpected bliss. That, changed my life. The miscarriage? Just physical. See... I wasn't feeling.)

The second miscarriage. It was purely heartbreaking. It was everything but blood and cramps. There were no blood and cramps. There was just me, losing the love of my life. My child.

And three days after the procedure, I promptly went back to work. I listened to my mother, "You HAVE to go back to work. It won't look good if you're off too long. It'll get your mind off it."

Yeah. Ok.

And so off I went, back to work.

I was just off sick for 12 days. That's all. Just off sick. (That's how I got through it. That's how I managed to get myself back to work. And promptly fell apart for 4 & 1/2 months.)

And up next? The car accident. September 26. Rattled to the bone. In shock that I actually walked away from it in one piece. No physical harm. Other than a minor sore neck, but a majorly sore back. And after 12 massage sessions, the back was less sore.

But the anxiety started.

Post traumatic stress. Great, just fucking great. And to top it all off, a hell of a time at work with my boss getting on me for my doctor's appointments. I suppose she forgot that I had two miscarriages and a car accident, so OF COURSE I have doctor's appointments.

Then, third appointment with a therapist and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm beginning to put it all behind me. After all, three things have already happened this year. It's been a hellish year. I should be fine from here on out. I'm in no more back pain, I'm on a homeopathic remedy for stress and anxiety, The Husband and I are ready to become pregnant again, life was looking up. I could handle this. I could get through this. I could make peace with the trauma and drama of 2007. I could. I could!

And then I got fired.

So no, mom. So no, friends. So no, everyone. I'm NOT ready to make any moves yet. I'm NOT ready to join the work force right away. I'm NOT taking meetings or job-hunting.

I'm looking after me.

I'm looking after the me that I didn't look after this year. I'm looking after me so I can process the trauma, not just handle it, PROCESS it. Deal with it. Let it go.

Heal.

So I can be the best me I can be as I go forward into 2008.

So let me be.

Urs.