Today? Not so good.

Today was the first day of my pregnancy that I have felt like shit.

8 weeks, 2 days.

Yes, there's the pregnancy brain. The absent-mindedness. On a daily basis. That's annoying, but it doesn't do anything to you physically.

But today! My God. I seriously felt like I was hit by a truck. Or that I was hungover. Or that I had just given up caffeine. I was off-kilter all day. Couldn't function until about 3pm. Really. Freakin'. Off.

You know when you're on your period and nothing looks good on you? And your hair doesn't want to cooperate? And you look exhausted and pasty? Like you've been hit by a truck?

That was my morning.

And to top it all off?

I'm showing.

At 8 weeks.

Showing!

I can't get over it. I didn't think I'd be showing at all until the end of June or so. The 2nd, or close to it, trimester. I never thought in a million years I'd be showing so early.

I have nothing to wear.

Urs.

Counting Sheep

Is so not necessary.

It's all I can do to keep my eyes open.

Seriously. About 2pm every day, I feel my eyes getting heavy. Really heavy. Really Really Heavy. If I closed them I'd be asleep in no time.

The thing is, my boss wouldn't take too kindly to sleeping on the job.

Fast forward to 4 hours later. I get home. I immediately sit down on the couch and fall asleep for about 20 minutes.

Fast forward to the weekends.

I simply can't stay awake. If I'm running around doing errards on Saturday, Sunday I'm on the couch all day absolutely exhausted. And thismorning? I woke up at 7am, got up, put the coffee on. Had my metamucil and prenatals. Made bran muffins (let's not even get started with the metamucil and bran muffins....). Had a shower. Got dressed. Sat on couch for a moment. That was 11am. It's now 7pm. I've barely moved. I feel like I've run a marathon and I haven't done anything.

Pregnacy is wild.

Urs.

Dream a little dream with me.

Weird and absurd dreams lately. Very vivid, very disturbing in some cases.

Had a few last night that were disturbing, but one that gave me great info. I was going for a job interview and it was a gong show. The gal that was interviewing me, left 1/2 way through and didn't come back for 20 minutes. She had gone to lunch! She was very unprofessional and very lazy.

I've been pissed at work lately and quite fed up with the place but this shows me to stay. There's not much else out there. It's all fucked up, no matter where you go.

Also that I'm pregnant and I've only got another 7 months then I'm on mat leave for a year.

Still no symptoms. The cramping has pretty much stopped. The boobs are tender and a bit sore, but nothing drastic. No acne. No stuffed-sausage feeling. Really, not much. I was absolutely exhausted for about a week, but that has passed. Really, the only thing alerting me to being pregnant is the fact that I didn't get my period. Very bizarre.

Saving lots of money not smoking or drinking though.

Urs.

Uh... Hello????

Is anybody in there?

What a piss off. So I headed off to a meeting thismorning. I went out the side door. The receptionist saw me heading out with my paperwork and keys in hand. I said see you later.

I get to the meeting and a colleage, Janice, shows up, "Anne Marie was looking for you, apparently a film client popped in to see you. She said she couldn't find you and she didn't know what to do so I told her that you'd be back in about 1/2 an hour."

Well, fuck, for two reasons.

1. How fucking stupid can you get? Ann Marie knows I have the same meeting every Thursday morning and have had it for 5 years. Also, did you ever fucking hear of cell phones?

2. How dare you, Janice, presume that I'd be back to the office directly after the meeting? I have Starbucks to go to and have to return a fertilizer spreader at the Home Depot.

It's not all about work you know.

Bad Ass

I picked a fight yesterday.

With my boss.

About vacation time.

It was great!

But I felt foolish and stupid the more I thought about it last night. Not very professional of me. Not very impeccable of me. Just pointless and childish. So enough of that.

On another note... I have serious pregnancy brain. I'm forgetting lots of stuff. I'm showing up for meetings that aren't until tomorrow. I'm a bit scattered to put it mildly. I was last time too.

The boobs? Not sore anymore. Seriously, I think they were only sore because I kept feeling them to see if they were sore. Cramping? Yeah, not so much. I have a bit of cramping for about 10-15 seconds a day. So that "symptom" has gone away too.

I do hope my boobs grow.

They were looking fabulous last time.

Urs.

Yawn...

Did I mention the need to nap twice a day? Like right now would be nice. But I'm at work (shhh).

Oh, and blemishes.

At least I think the blemishes are from the pregnancy. I don't usually get them. Then again, I don't usually eat take-out chicken, rice, or pasta either. Yes, that's what I've eaten the past 4 nights for supper. No wonder I'm breaking out. Must keep that in check! No more pasta unless I'm craving it for the baby!

Except for tonight. The darling Husband is drinking working on the basement with a friend and no time for cooking so it's take out pasta for din-din.

And last but not least, I'm feeling like a stuffed sausage. That's the first thing that alerted me to my last pregnancy. I love the feeling!

Delighted to be having symptoms finally!

Urs.

Finally, Symptoms!

Sore boobs. Cramping. Dizziness.

Yes!

Urs.

ps: very very excited about the pregnancy now. Started feeling positively elated last night. Good times!

For Shame

I'm not as excited about this pregnancy as I was the last.

I don't understand it.

We were trying to get pregnant. We got pregnant. I was ecstatic with the very thought of becoming pregnant again!

But when it happened, I was unsure with the outcome. I didn't really believe it. I was too scared to believe it. I told my doctor, when she confirmed it, that I was too nervous to be excited. I wanted to make sure and double make sure. I asked her to double check the results.

To be sure.

I had bloodtests Thursday and another Saturday to check that it's a viable pregnancy. That the hcg numbers are rising.

Perhaps then I'll be excited and happy? When I know that I'm not miscarrying like last time?

I feel shame around it. Shame around my attitude about it. Shame that I'm not wanting to scream it from a mountain top, like last time. Shame that I'm afraid to talk to it in case it's not there anymore, you know?

I've always jumped in with both feet. That's how I tackle life, just giving it my all. No matter if it's a job, a relationship, whatever. I totally jump in with everything I've got.

Right now it feels like I'm afraid to even get my toes wet.

Urs.

Two Pink Stripes

I'm pregnant! Found out for sure thismorning at home... will have the official word thisafternoon after my doctor's appointment!

Keep your fingers crossed that all is well. I'm a bit stressed out as I have no symptoms.

Remember... only put out what you want, not what you don't want.

Urs.

First Responders

First on the scene. Check out the lay of the land. Summarize what's going on. Make suggestions and recommend the next steps.

But what if it's kind of fuzzy? Well, not so much fuzzy as very very very faint. I mean, so faint that I thought there wasn't a line there when I walked into the bathroom to check (within the recommended time-frame), and when I picked it up and peered closer, there was the faint faint faint line.

Last time, there was definitely two lines, but one was quite faint. But still two lines. I tested a few hours later and the line was not as faint anymore.

This time, so faint as I said above. Could be one of three things:

• evaporation lines?

But I don't think so as I read the test at the three-minute mark as suggested. Same as last time.

• chemical pregnancy?

Possibly, I suppose. But if so, will my period come when it's supposed to, or will it just come when it comes? Whenever that is? (Argh.)

• testing too early?

Hard to say. I tested the day before my period was due (period due today and hasn't come yet which is weird for me as it's usually there when I wake up), so it should have shown a definite line if I'm pregnant, but if fertilization didn't happen until the last time we had sex (Apr 19) then is it simply too early to tell? After all, that would only be 11 days. Last time it was 18 days when I tested positive.

So here is what I'm going to do. See if my period comes today. If not, I'm buying a test tonight and giving it another go tomorrow morning.

It's just so weird right now. Usually by boobs are sore before my period. But they're not. Usually I have mild cramping the day before/morning of. This time? No cramps.

Same with last time I was pregnant, before I knew I was pregnant. I had sore boobs. Thought it was my period. I had cramping. Again, thought it was my period. The boobs were sore because I was pregnant, and the cramping started at implantation, and continued as my uterous stretched. So I didn't know I was pregnant, I thought it was just that my period was coming but this was happening earlier than normal; the soreness and cramping I mean.

Very confusing. And a bit stressful.

I am so not a patient woman.

Urs.