Stage 3

So the third stage of grief is bargaining.

Bargaining: This is “the what if or I should have” stage. The mind is engaged in negative streaming, brain-locked in an upsetting point in time. Be aware of negative thought streams to objectify them; have a logical discourse with your thoughts. Then you can invest your energy into a solution.

So this sounds kind of like where I am right now. Going over things in my head. If I did this, or that, perhaps I wouldn't have been fired. If I had of taken less sick days maybe I wouldn't be where I am right now. If I had of just kept on going....

Woulda Shoulda Coulda.

I had a dead baby inside of me. I needed those sick days. I had surgery. I needed those sick days.

I've got to just fuck off. Screw the bargaining with myself. It's done. I did nothing wrong. My performance was not the issue. The decline in the industry was the issue.

So be it.

Interesting read here actually. A different view. I like how they change the term "5 stages of grief" to "5 stages of receive catastrophic news". Puts a new energetic on it.

Good times.

Grief is fascinating.

Seriously.

My grief went right out the window as soon as Stacey had her baby.

Seriously. In that moment, I was just in the moment. I was happy for my best friend. And delighted to meet her little guy.

There was no weirdness. There was not one thing that was about me. I was, and am, ecstatic for her. I held him for the first time a few days after he was born.

Again, no weirdness. I wasn't triggered. I wasn't sad. I wasn't feeling empty, like I thought I would.

I was just happy for my best friend.

Urs.

A letter, of sorts.

I haven't had time to process.

To process the year I've had.

The first miscarriage. It was purely physical. It was nothing but blood and cramps.

And then it was over. And I promptly went back to work.

I was just off sick for 5 days. That's all. Just off sick.

(The first pregnancy, however, was another story. That, was pure joy. That, was completely unexpected bliss. That, changed my life. The miscarriage? Just physical. See... I wasn't feeling.)

The second miscarriage. It was purely heartbreaking. It was everything but blood and cramps. There were no blood and cramps. There was just me, losing the love of my life. My child.

And three days after the procedure, I promptly went back to work. I listened to my mother, "You HAVE to go back to work. It won't look good if you're off too long. It'll get your mind off it."

Yeah. Ok.

And so off I went, back to work.

I was just off sick for 12 days. That's all. Just off sick. (That's how I got through it. That's how I managed to get myself back to work. And promptly fell apart for 4 & 1/2 months.)

And up next? The car accident. September 26. Rattled to the bone. In shock that I actually walked away from it in one piece. No physical harm. Other than a minor sore neck, but a majorly sore back. And after 12 massage sessions, the back was less sore.

But the anxiety started.

Post traumatic stress. Great, just fucking great. And to top it all off, a hell of a time at work with my boss getting on me for my doctor's appointments. I suppose she forgot that I had two miscarriages and a car accident, so OF COURSE I have doctor's appointments.

Then, third appointment with a therapist and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm beginning to put it all behind me. After all, three things have already happened this year. It's been a hellish year. I should be fine from here on out. I'm in no more back pain, I'm on a homeopathic remedy for stress and anxiety, The Husband and I are ready to become pregnant again, life was looking up. I could handle this. I could get through this. I could make peace with the trauma and drama of 2007. I could. I could!

And then I got fired.

So no, mom. So no, friends. So no, everyone. I'm NOT ready to make any moves yet. I'm NOT ready to join the work force right away. I'm NOT taking meetings or job-hunting.

I'm looking after me.

I'm looking after the me that I didn't look after this year. I'm looking after me so I can process the trauma, not just handle it, PROCESS it. Deal with it. Let it go.

Heal.

So I can be the best me I can be as I go forward into 2008.

So let me be.

Urs.

Grief?

So now that The Husband is gone back to work, life feels less like a vacation and more like unemployement.

He stayed home for two days with me and we just bitched about being let go, bitched about the company, bitched about certain people there, slept in, had long leisurely breakfasts, enjoyed the sunny weather, that sort of thing. (Editor's note... "WE" didn't so much bitch... HE did. Me? I'm happy as a clam to have been let go. Him? He's happy too, but he's milking it to the company right now... "How can you be so heartless as to let someone go right before Christmas?" And, "You all ruined my life!". Oh, and then there's the, "We just bought a house. We just bought a car. You all are SCREWING us!". He's just ranting, as only he can do.)

However... now that he's gone back to work, I'm left with feeling a bit lost. I have LOTS to do (relatives in town, having them for dinner each night, sightseeing, yada yada yada), but don't really feel like doing anything.

Went to have my car detailed earlier thismorning. Having lunch in a few minutes. Going for groceries after that. Have a cranial-sacral late afternoon. Picking up my aunt after that to bring her back to the house for dinner.... the list goes on. But yet I feel a bit, uh, lost.

Apparently losing a job is traumatic. Also, apparently, you've got to grieve it. And grieve it properly so you can move on. There are 5 steps to grief, so I've been told. (I haven't been told what they are, just that there are 5 steps. I wish I had have been told this when we lost the last baby. That may have saved me 4.5 months of hell. However, I digress....)

Googling the 5 steps of grief... brb...

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

(details here)

But what about joy? I'm practically joyful about it. I had wanted to leave for a long time, but I didn't have the nerve. I was too afraid. I was comfortable there. I knew what to expect. I knew how to handle the corporate bullshit (ie: ignore and get on with things).

Or am I just in the first stage... denial?

Urs.

And just when you think this year can't get any worse...

... I get fired.

Yes, I was let go on Friday.

Jesus Christ. I think I'm going to just hole up at home until 12:01am on January 1st. This year has been rotten.

Seriously.

I thought, ok, 2 miscarriages and 1 car accident. That should be the end of it. Why would anything else bad happen to me? I'm a good person. I live my life right. I should be safe now. The rotten stuff is OVER.

And I go into work on Friday and am fired.

Fuck.

It's actually a good thing though. I feel really good about it because of two things:

1. I wanted to leave for a long time but didn't have the balls.
2. They're giving me a great package.

So I'm safe, financially, until probably next summer or so. In the meantime, I've already had two job offers.

Good times.

But seriously?

I'm not straying too far from the house until the new year.

Urs.