I touch myself.

One week to go to the next pregnancy test.

In the meantime... Sore boobs. Which is unusual for me this far before I get my period.

And extreme distaste of 1.) chicken caesar wrap without the wrap and, 2.) chocolate chip cookies.

I LOVE chicken caesar wraps. Without the wrap. So chicken caesar salad, I suppose.

I also LOVE chocolate chip cookies.

Couldn't stomach either today. And noticed the sore boobs last night as I was standing over my husband as he was preparing a presentation. I had to keep feeling them to see if they were really sore. And yes, they were.

They are.

And they aren't, usually, this far before my period. Usually a couple of days, but not a week. Hmmmm.

So I'm walking around my house and every few minutes I grab my "girls" and give them a squeeze. And every time I squeeze, they bark a little bit at me. "Hey Urs, look out there... we're TENDER already. Geesh!" And so I squeeze again, just to make sure my mind isn't playing tricks on me.

The first time I was pregnant, last December, it was about a week before my period was due that my boobs started to get sore, and about a week when my tastebuds started to change. And also about a week when my "bathroom tendancies" changed. Yes, constipation. (Which, by the way, I realized thismorning, has started. I'm not regular. Well, not AS regular as usual, but I digress.)

The last time, last May? I had NO symptoms at all. Zip. None. So am I crazy? Is it just early menstrual symptoms? Or could I be pregnant? I was so afraid at the thought of becoming pregnant again... what if I'm not ready? What if I'm not through with my grief and sadness? What if my body isn't ready? What if it doesn't surive?

Again.

But I find myself absolutely ecstatic at the prospect! Which totally surprise me. I've been so wrapped in my misery. My despair. So wrapped up in it all that the prospect of joy seemed to elude me. And yet when it hit me today, when it hit me that I actually may be pregnant again.... I was elated! The feeling of joy totally took me by surprise. And I'm so happy that I can feel joy again. Even if I'm not pregnant right now, even if the pregnancy test shows me only one stripe....

I'm thrilled that I felt joy again.

It's been so long.

Urs.